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When the boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
That’s one of hundreds of so-called Chuck Norris “facts” that for the past 20 years have fed a logic-defying cultural phenomenon and Internet craze.
In 2005, talk show host Conan O’Brien began to tell jokes about the martial arts fighter and actor whose credentials include the TV series “Walker, Texas Ranger,” and a host of B movies in which Norris basically defeats entire armies by himself.
Somehow the jokes took off. The satirical “facts” about Norris’ toughness and masculinity propelled him to global superstardom. Here’s a sampling:
There’s no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned up the sun.
When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars look both ways.
When an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger,” aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris, just to be on the safe side.
On Valentine’s Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife a still-beating heart of one of his enemies.
The flu has to get Chuck Norris shots every year.
Chuck Norris is why Waldo is hiding.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the world economy.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
According to Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
The actor himself, who is enthusiastic about his faith, has maintained a sense of humor about his online cult hero status. He even penned The Official Chuck Norris Fact Book, which features 101 of his favorite quips. Which one does he like the most? People wanted to add Chuck Norris to Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn’t tough enough for his beard.
The book includes a number of real-life stories, including the time he was asked by a friend to appear in court as an expert witness.
Norris’ friend was a lawyer who was defending a man who was pleading self-defense because he had shot someone. The victim was a black belt in karate, and the accused considered the second man a “deadly weapon.” Chuck, at that time, was a world champion in competitive martial arts. Would he be willing help validate the defendant’s claim?
After answering his friend’s cordial questions from the witness stand, Norris was cross-examined by the assistant district attorney.
The DA strode up and asked, “Do you expect the court to believe that a black belt in karate would have a chance against a man with a gun?”
“It’s possible,” said Norris, “depending on the distance.”
“How about 10 feet?” said the DA. Chuck replied, “If the gun wasn’t already cocked and aimed, I believe it is possible.”
That was exactly what the DA hoped to hear. Now he would humiliate Norris and scuttle the defendant’s case. He ordered Norris to leave the witness box and stand near the jury. Then he asked the bailiff to remove the cartridges from his gun and hand him the empty weapon. The DA made a show of pacing off 10 feet, then said to Chuck, “I want you to stop me before I can cock and fire this gun.”
Norris thought to himself, “What have I gotten myself into?”
The DA held the gun at his side. He instructed the bailiff to give a verbal command. “Go!” shouted the bailiff. Norris recounts, “Before the DA could cock the gun, I had my foot planted on his chest. I didn’t follow through with my kick because I didn’t want to hurt him.”
The assistant district attorney was stunned, and not a little angry. “My thumb slipped!” he announced. He insisted on a second attempt. The outcome was identical – a foot on his chest before he could cock the gun.
That night Norris shared dinner with his lawyer friend, who couldn’t stop laughing. His friend also made this telling observation: “The DA made a big mistake by asking a question to which he didn’t know the answer.”
It’s a good thing none of us have ever done that. And it’s a good thing none of us have ever attended a church that tried to provide answers to every conceivable question and solutions to every imaginable conundrum, even though we often have no idea what we’re talking about.
It may come as a surprise to those of us on the inside, but no one really wants to join the Church That Thinks It’s Right About Everything.
A little too frequently, Christians come across as people who can be relied upon to tell you what to think, how to vote, and whom to fear – that is, “if you really want to please God.” Such defiant certainties can end up becoming unfortunate public controversies.
And that’s a shame, for the simple reason that the Bible’s expectations for what it means to follow Jesus aren’t really controversial at all.
At the end of his monumental, 889-page scholarly introduction to the New Testament, N.T. Wright suggests that what we have inherited is “a new way of relating to one another, a way of kindness, a way that accepts the fact of anger but refuses to allow it to dictate the terms of engagement.” Since Jesus’ death accomplished our forgiveness, we must pass that on to each other. “We must become, must be known as, the people who don’t hold grudges, who don’t sulk. We must be the people who know how to say ‘Sorry,’ and who know what to do when other people say it to us.”
Can you imagine what it would be like if the first thing people associated with Christians was, “Oh, those are the people who don’t sulk and whine”?
We are called to be the people who always show hospitality. Who serve the poor. Who give away money cheerfully. Who remember that in a God-supervised world, there are no grounds for feeling anxious.
God’s directive is that we should be gracious with each other concerning issues that don’t really matter. We must stand up for those who have been unjustly treated. But never take private vengeance. And always show compassion to those who are hurting.
It’s actually rather straightforward to understand the kind of life to which we are called. Powered by the indwelling gift of God’s Spirit, we are to be the joyful, non-anxious, generous, patient, outward-focused, kind-hearted people in our families and communities.
We will stand out, in other words, not because we are so miserably Right About Everything.
But simply because we love each other. Including those who don’t love us back.
There’s a world of difference between trying to be right and choosing to be faithful.
On what grounds can we enter into such a life?
Well, it’s not this: “On the seventh day God rested, and Chuck Norris took over.”
We can all be glad that Chuck – just like the rest of us – is in sales, not management.